Was that not the shit?

( This is where I am. )

Orrrr something.

1. I am not making enough money. I need another job.
2. I suck at life, seriously, no joke.
3. I suck at being friends with you because I'm fucking retarded and I'm scared.
4. I have so much to do tomorrow that I think I might cry right fucking now.
5. I hate ex-girlfriends. No matter what, you just can't like an ex-girlfriend. Especially the important ones.
6. I was pretty much assured a job at Bravo! in Rochester Village and then I learned that number 5 on this list also works there. So chyea, nope.
7. The other day I told Christian that I have never had an oil change. He looked at me, opened his wallet, put two $20 bills on the table and told me I had to go get an oil change RIGHT THEN and then to put the rest in my gas tank. Of course, I fought it because that's just how I am, and normally I really don't like when guys do shit like that but it actually felt good, later on. My car didn't run any better but I felt... genuinely cared for and taken care of. I haven't felt that in a very long time.
8. I'm sorry I do this to you.
9. Which isn't good enough for what I really owe you, which is everything.
10. Housewarming party, tomorrow (today) night, call for directions, everyone's invited... seriously.
11. Hold tight.

Dear World,

My best friend and I now share an apartment in Auburn Hills. Everything in this apartment either her or I own. We pay all of our own bills. Big girl bills. I am so proud of us.
I have a lot of things to do.
I have a boyfriend and he's funny and really loves black people for some reason. But I'm dealing. It's enlightening, not gonna lie. He's really intelligent. We sleep in a lot.
I don't want to be a doctor anymore.

I am so lucky.

Love,
Courtney

http://vizampy.livejournal.com/2005/04/01/


Remember that shit?

HAHAHAHAHA EVERYONE BELIEVED US!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
Happy April Fool's Day, all! <3

St. Patrick's Day was totally the shit minus the part about getting drugged. Nothing happened, I was safe, but girls, PLEASE keep an eye on your drinks, wherever you go. There's a lot of idiots out there.

Keeping an open mind only gives me headaches.

Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Hoes, take off your clothes.
Hoes, get naked.


Monday: Class, class, class, class, JEROME BETTIS MAKES MY LIFE SO MUCH MORE LOVELY.
Tuesday: Work, GREAT BIG SEAAAA MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR.
Wednesday: Class, class, class, work!
Thursday: Work, cute boy!
Friday: BEST HOLIDAY EVER SPENT IN WINDSOR WITH MY LOVES!
Saturday: Work, Ferris State with some other loves!
Sunday: YES!



Incredible.

I sat down for Biology today. Didn't even take my coat off. Got up and walked out.
Got in my car and drove down Livernois until I freaked out and called Jodi and went over there.
I feel crazy. I wish I could stop my life and not have any emotion and recharge my brain for a little bit. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I'm moving next month and I have NOTHING, not even a bed, guys are endlessly fucking stupid, I hate school, I hate that I can't keep in touch with my family because I SUCK at it, I hate my car.
I hate when you know something is right, you just KNOW it, but the situation is not letting itself be the way it's SUPPOSED to be.
What am I doing wrong? What's so wrong with me?


Not even White Castle, Jodi Cunningham, and Brokeback Mountain could cheer me up tonight. :(

http://www.tip20.com/div/con/articles/top_ten_things.html



Cheeaaaa.

I used to get mad at Kurt for not calling me back when he said he would. It's simple, dude. Don't tell me you're going to call me later that night, if you don't intend to. That is one of my biggest pet peeves, not only with him, but with everyone. DON'T tell me you'll do something and then not do it. I'm not asking to check up on you or that we have to even have a conversation, but CALL IF YOU SAY YOU WILL. SIMPLE.
So imagine my surprise when I woke up to my phone ringing this morning. Just to talk. And then later on before work. Just to talk. And then after work. Just to talk. A couple hours later. Just to talk.
If I could freak out physically (some of you have seen me do this, it's basically one big spasm of a movement) using letters, I would. The best that would suffice is this...
Uh... 048723048023420934psadjflaksjdf;lkasdj;flkasj;dflkj;o, what the fuck!
Anyway, whatever. I told Sashur tonight that I'm not trying anymore. If he wants me, he can come and get me, but he's got a loooooong, looooong way to go. I'm not actively persuing this one anymore.
Dianna keeps bringing people over every night. And she's got the right to do that, I'm just easily annoyed. Cause she's loud. And they're loud. And it's not like I can go out there and say anything, I've had louder friends, I'm sure.
Ahaha, she just knocked on my door and asked me to open a bottle of wine for her. It was Sutter Home White Zin, ooooof course.
GODDD I'M A BIIIIITTCCHH.

Anyway.
Now I know how Kevin felt. Except Kevin ended up winning at the end of it all. That and I'd never act like Kevin did later on, but it's the same basic idea. And me? Well, I thought it was a good idea, obviously. I still think it was a good idea. Sometimes you should just punt your brain across the room and observe with your heart. Mmhmm, that's dramatic, and I don't care. It's true.

I gotta know. Soon. Now, even.
Or I might break my leg just to get there.
It could be like we were in a movie.

(Except in the movies, both of us take the risk and both of us win. Jump.)

k: "I've not called you but I've never flat out been an asshole to you. I've never yelled at you."
c: "Yeah, except for that one time..."
k: "Oh yeah, that one time where I totally went off on you? Yeah, you defended yourself pretty well."
c: "Thanks."


k: "I bet you he's in her bed right now..."
c: "Well, if he's anything like you, it doesn't really matter much, does it?"
k: "What does that mean?"
c: "Nothing."
k: "No, seriously, what does that mean?"
c: "Just... go to sleep."




I will never understand A LOT of things.

Two hours of sleep makes me the most beautiful girl on the planet. Mmmhmmm!
Yesterday I was leaving the Red Ox (ugh, it needs a nickname... Michelle calls it Roxy) and I was digging in my purse for my cell phone to text Christine, buuuuut it was already vibrating when I got it. Sup Kurt? Suuuuup. Suuuuup! "I'll call you tonight." apparently means "I'll call you two weeks later." in Kurtspeak. Talk, talk, talk. Talk, talk, talk. He just got out of a job interview (in Michigan... NOT Utah...) so he was high on life and wanted to brag. Forty five minutes later, I, somehow, got suckered into dinner later on. "I'm going to go home and take a nap. Call me at about 7:15 and I'm going to keep my phone RIGHT by my head so I wake up this time..." Psssshhhh. Needless to say, I had Ben and Jerry's for dinner last night while I watched The Butterfly Effect with my roommates. (Unrelated: Whenever I watch that movie, I can't think straight for about a week.)
So I got mad.
Remember those red highlights I had this summer? They're back. I was mad at the world, so I highlighted my hair. That's right.
This time the major life change is the new job and a couple other things that I won't bother writing about.

Anyway, this psych exam. Yeah, I have no idea. It's weird, I understand the concepts, but can't remember what they're called. Isn't that the opposite of how people usually remember stuff? It will all be over in a couple hours.
Exam, sleep, history, biology. Royal Oak for Tazo and a paycheck. Bettis and I are getting together but I don't know what we're doing. It will for sure involve drinking. Tomorrow I gotta memorize a damn menu. I want to go out with Felipe for his birthday but... yeah, the underage bullshit. I'm tired of it. DECEMBER.
Sunday I'm serving for the owner's friends and family. And I have a menu test. I don't know what to expect. No idea. Noooo clue.

WHO READS THIS SHIT?!

1. I talked today. Haha. I ended up forming a clique with this girl and we are the not-so-clique clique. Basically, I think we're pretty much the only servers who don't smoke. Seriously, I didn't know that this many people smoked until I started working in the service industry. Must be the stress. I was looking around today... they hired 35 servers. Three male and about three of us are brunettes. And I'm the only short-haired ever-so-slightly alternative brunette. I WIN.
2. Bettis called me tonight and I guess Kurt came into Mongo when they were closing. Which is hilarious to me because today would have been my last day had Felipe decided to schedule me this week. He told Rob that he was considering applying at the Red Ox... until Rob told him I worked there. GOOD. Asshole.
3. I'm so excited about getting an apartment but I really gotta start looking. April is coming up sooner than it feels. I was scared that Christine wouldn't be serious but she so is and I'm glad. We can afford it, we're hot servers.
4. I never write what I feel in here because it makes me sound overdramatic and lame.
5. But I'd be good for you. We could drive around in the dark and listen to good music. That's how it always plays out in my head, at least.

You tell yourself that the things you need come slow, but inside you just don't know.
(my, my, my...)


Today was the first day of training/orientation. I choked. I didn't say a word to anyone. Why am I so shy? I don't intend to be that way, I didn't think I'd be that way, it just happened. Come onnn Courtney! You have a personality, fucking dig for it already!
I'm going again tomorrow night. Hopefully I'll find a voice to say something, anything. If you want details on the resturaunt (which I'm sure you don't!) see my myspace. I write more there than in here anyway, for some reason.
Ahh, my week. Tomorrow is class, training like I said... I'd like to make it to the gym too since I didn't go tonight. Thursday I'm spending my time cramming for psych and I'm getting Tazo in Royal Oak, which should be interesting in all definitions of the word. Don't wanna get my hopes up, but I'm looking forward to it. Friday I have a psychology exam and class and then Bettis and I are maybe going to Windsor or she's coming here or something, anything, since we both have the night off and I just took a psychological stats exam. Saturday night NOTHING (that never happens!) and Sunday we're serving the owner's family and friends at work just to get used to it. Next week I have no school but I'm sure I'll be working. Probably not too often, though. I requested 3-5 shifts and I'll probably get 3 since we're overstaffed.
Enough about that.

Nothing came of that date with Steve's brother. It's actually kind of strange, it went super well and we talked every day after that until about five days ago when he just randomly stopped talking to me. Whatever, dude. I'm not tracking the guy down. Steve said he's trying to date this other girl. That's fine, but it would have been cool to let me know instead of dropping off the face of the earth. Apparently I attract men with the emotional maturity of a toddler.
So that's that. Oh well, I guess. It happens.

There's always the one annoying roadblock. Take some chances! I'd be so worth it. I know I've gotta be.

Back to cleaning and laundry! I'm nocturnal, I swear.

I texted Kurt THREE days ago.. "What the fuck happened to you?" and I just got a response, "Hello". What the fuck. Hahaha. I just laugh at this now.
Christine and I went and saw Brokeback Mountain tonight and I fucking love it. I don't care what the critics say, I don't care what the homophobes say, I don't care what anybody says, it was amazing. The future Courtney and Christine were sitting in the row ahead of us. It was so cute. "That's us in twenty years!"
We're getting an apartment in April. I don't know where to go from there, but I'm pretty excited. The best deals I'm finding are in Rochester, but I haven't looked super, super hard or anything. Troy would be our best option since it's between her job (Royal Oak, obviously) and my job/school (Rochester), but who knows. I'd feel bad if she had to drive every day to Royal Oak... then again, I've been doing it since August and it's not TOOOO bad and she said she wouldn't mind. Sooo excited.
My last day at Mongo was sad. I cried a teensy bit, not gonna lie. Felipe made me the most sad, I think. When I was leaving, he's like, "I'M ESCORTING YOU OUT! NOW YOU GET OUT AND STAY OUT! YOU'RE FIRED!" and once we got outside, he goes, "Hey! This means we can hang out now!" It's still hard to believe I'm not there anymore, that I won't be there anymore. Ugh. Sadness. Buuuut this new job should be pretty cool. I start training tomorrow. The place is amazing... the bar is huge, couches, fireplaces, etc. There's a friggin WATERFALL behind the bar and the patio has a fire pit. I know I can't bartend right away, but it would be cool if I could serve in the bar section or whatever. We'll see how that goes.
I took my mom to dinner the other night. It felt good. :) Ahahaha, she told me some of the best stories ever. HAHA SPEAKERPHONE. She's a pretty good mom, I can't complain.

"People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themsleves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead." --Edith Wharton

(I finally have a favorite quote!)

1. Tomorrow's my last day in Mongolia.
2. I can't cry. (Nothing to do with Mongo) What kind of bullshit is that? I feel like I need that kind of release and... not so much. It's like I physically can't or something.
3. I'm going to use the next few Mongolian-free weeks to catch up on life.

I plan to do the following:

-Catch up on studying.
-Hang out with Matt.
-Letter or SOMETHING to Trent.
-Clean my room.
-Look into what to do this summer. I want to do something different.
-Maybe look into another car. Cause I hate the Tempo. I MEAN THE INTREPID! WHOA!
-Take my mom out to lunch.

And that's it. I don't want to overexert myself.

Ohhhh godddd, the downstairs OC... good times. If you go to Oakland University, you for sure know what I'm talking a-boot.
I can't get my paper to print.
And I just spent 20 minutes looking for a parking spot and still ended up in BFE.
And it's REALLY cold. Hey! If you hate the weather in Michigan, just wait five minutes.

I had a second job interview yesterday at the Red Ox Inn which is opening across the street. Aaaand I got the job. Serving fooo sho, eventually bartending. Their bar is probably the main part of the place and it's intimidating and I bartended for Mongo so I'm not cool. It's super nice, though, from what I can tell, and it's NOT CORPORATE. We start training next week and I think it opens on the 27th. It's nice because I'll be a part of the opening staff and won't have to "earn" respect or whatever. I'm looking forward to it.